Last night I hung up the phone after talking to my
grandmother only to receive a call from her a few minutes later. She asked how
I was feeling about coming home, is it sad, will I be ok, am I going to be
content being home again? It meant a lot that someone from home was taking the
time to ask those questions because honestly, no, I won’t be content. It will be hard, it’s sad to leave, and
there will be times when I really will think I am not going to be ok.
I know that God has put this place and these people on my
heart for more than just to spend this year here (3 months + 9 months). I do
not believe this is the end of God’s plan for me here and it is hard to see
myself as the ‘settling down’ type. For now I just have to follow where he
leads me.
Anyone who was around me a year and a half ago when I
returned from Bulgaria the first time got a good look at what reverse culture
shock, culture shock entering your home culture, looks like. I was engaged in
conversations and lectures on the topic and even did some reading on my own
beforehand, but nothing could have prepared me for this experience, except
that: the experience. To be blunt, it sucked to have triggers I still haven’t
been able to pinpoint make me cry several times a day for three weeks. I didn’t
know why I was having such a hard time, but I can only expect the same or even
worse going home the second time around.
For my friends and family: This is going to be a hard
transition for me. There are going to be times when I just need someone around
to listen or even to be a distraction for a little bit. Please do not tell me
to ‘just forget about it” or to “just focus on things here”. That is probably
the worst thing you could say and I cannot tell you how hard it is to hear. It
may be a while before I can fully articulate what I am going through or how my
experience has been, what I learned, and how I have changed. I have tried to
post updates, I really have, but honestly, I am just really terrible at it.
That is going to part make this processing a bit harder. Some of the things I
have seen and experienced have been life changing in both positive and negative
ways, and condensing an entire 9-month experience into a little conversation is
not easy. Not only that, but I have been living in a culture that values
relationships. They do not engage someone in conversation if they do not care,
which is something Americans are notorious for. To be frank, if you don’t care,
then please don’t ask me.
It meant so much to me to have my grandmother ask those
questions because they are questions that need to be asked. She may have
expected most of my answers, but some of them came as a surprise to her, as
they do to others. Believe it or not, time on the mission field can be a very
lonely experience, especially if people at home do not know what it is like and
going home is no different. In this time of transition, I am going to need
support from those around me who care.
